Puzzling Questions
1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
3. When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose?
4. How did a fool and his money GET together?
5. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
6. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
7. What's another word for thesaurus?
8. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?
9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
10. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
11. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
14. Do blind eskimos have seeing eye sled dogs?
15. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
16. What do they use to ship styrofoam?
17. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
18. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
19. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
20. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who
have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San
Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English, or
"Geekonics", as a second language.
The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the word "geek"
and the word "phonics" -- came just weeks after the Oakland school
board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language.
"This entirely reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy"
Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school
board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics.
"No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh said during a
celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close
to smiling. "Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to
process the data we need to interface with all units of humanity."
Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics movement was
spawned in California's Silicon Valley, where many children have
grown up in households headed by computer technicians, programmers,
engineers and scientists who have lost ability to speak plain
English and have inadvertently passed on their high-tech vernacular
to their children.
HELPING THE TRANSITION
While schools will not teach the language, increased teacher
awareness of Geekonics, proponents say, will help children make the
transition to standard English. Those students, in turn, could
possibly help their parents learn to speak in a manner that would
lead listeners to believe that they have actual blood coursing
through their veins.
"Bit by bit, byte by byte, with the proper system development, with
nonpreemptive multitasking, I see no reason why we can't download
the data we need to modulate our oral output," Macintosh said.
The designation of Ebonics and Geekonics as languages reflects a
growing awareness of our nation's lingual diversity, experts say.
Other groups pushing for their own languages and/or vernaculars to
be declared official viewed the Geekonics vote as a step in the
right direction.
"This is just, like, OK, you know, the most totally kewl thing,
like, ever," said Jennifer Notat-Albright, chairwoman of the
Committee for the Advancement of Valleyonics, headquartered in
Southern California. "I mean, like, you know?" she added.
THEY'RE HAPPY IN DIXIE
"Yeee-hah," said Buford "Kudzu" Davis, president of the Dixionics
Coalition. "Y'all gotta know I'm as happy as a tick on a sleeping
bloodhound about this."
Spokesmen for several subchapters of Dixionics -- including
Alabonics, Tennesonics and Louisionics -- also said they approved of
the decision.
Bill Flack, public information officer for the Blue Ribbon Task
Force on Bureaucratonics said that his organization would not
comment on the San Jose vote until it convened a summit meeting,
studied the impact, assessed the feasibility, finalized a report and
drafted a comprehensive action plan, which, once it clears the
appropriate subcommittees and is voted on, will be made public to
those who submit the proper information-request forms.
Proponents of Ebonics heartily endorsed the designation of Geekonics
as an official language.
"I ain't got no problem wif it," said Earl E. Byrd, president of the
Ebonics Institute. "You ever try talkin' wif wunna dem computer
dudes? Don't matter if it be a white computer dude or a black
computer dude; it's like you be talkin' to a robot -- RAM, DOS,
undelete, MegaHertZ. Ain't nobody understands. But dey keep talkin'
anyway. 'Sup wif dat?"
Those involved in the lingual diversity movement believe that only
by enacting many different English languages, in addition to all the
foreign ones practiced here, can we all end up happily speaking the
same boring one, becoming a nation that is both unified in its
diversity, and diversified in its unity.
Others say that makes no sense at all. In any language.
But wait, there's more!:
Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics
Native-American Speak -- Kimosabics
Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics
Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics
Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics
Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics
Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics
Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics
Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics
Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics
German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
French-American Speak -- Cornichonics (or Escargonics)
Oakland-School-Board Speak -- Moronics
--------
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked
to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
----------
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn
eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. Age 10
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
just a lawn mower. Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water
for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the
population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
Once there was a big fire and everyone died. Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of
his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. Age 14
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes
on the last day of their life? Age 15
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Age 15
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of
people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for
the long weekends. Age 8
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
saved up. Age 7
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote. Age 10
Home is where the house is. Age 6
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
would be right there. Age 5
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. Age 13
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it
odd that I drive without pants. Age 15
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. Age13
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Age 6
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
number you could come up with! Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed
them, right? Age 15
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
Age15
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they
appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's
right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell
Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia,
and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we
have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a
periodictable. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp
with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
looting started. Age 15
paul
------------
>
> A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom.
> The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them
> begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the
> 7-year-old says, "When we go downstaris for breakfast this morning,
> I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4-year-old happily agrees.
>
> As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their
> mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for
> breakfast. The 7-year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some
> Cheerios."
>
> WHACK! The surprised mother reacts quickly. The boy runs upstairs,
> bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the
> mother then asks her younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
>
> "I don't know," the 4-year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it's
> not gonna be Cheerios!"
-----------------------------
The Original Version.
The ant busts his tail in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter
the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he
dies out in the cold.
The New Liberal Version.
It starts out the same but when winter comes the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be
allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS,
NBC, and ABC show up and show pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to
film of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be, in a country of
such wealth that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a
representative of the NAAGB (The National Association of Green Bugs) shows
up on Night Line and charges the ant with "Green Bias" and makes the case
that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism.
Kermit the frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries
when he sings "It's Not Easy Being Green."
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS
evening news and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything
they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves
by those who benefited unfairly during the summer, or as Bill refers to it,
the "Temperatures Of The 80's".
Finally the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act"
RECTRO-ACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing
to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and having nothing left to pay
his Retro-Active taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the
ant's food while the government house he's in....which just happens to be
the ant's old house.... crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to
maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which
the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, Bill Clinton is
standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a
new era of "Fairness" has dawned in America.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Subject: Fwd(18): Prayer
A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the
papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If
you change The Lord's Prayer from `give us this day our daily bread....'
to `give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million
dollars to the Church."
The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of
the Lord and it must not be changed." "Well," says the Tyson man, "we are
prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's
Prayer to `give us this day our daily chicken..." Again the Pope replies "That
is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be
changed."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5
billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer to `give us this day
our daily chicken....'"
The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he
has good news and bad news..."The good news is that the Church has come into
$5 billion."
"The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Lastly, to pick on engineers, again:
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to
be guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing
happens....he declares that he has been saved by divine intervention...so he
is set free.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again, the rope doesn't release the
blade. He claims that he cannot be executed twice for the same crime and is
also let go.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the device, he promptly
looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see what
your problem is..."
-----------------------------
--------------------------------
The Top Ten new features of the
re-released classic: Star Wars
--------------------------------
10. He might not look as fearsome as before, but that
Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped
his breathing immensely.
9. Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess
Lea on the knee with a light saber.
8. Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi
Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
7. The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother,
Pizza the Hut.
6. Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
5. C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny
brass a**.
4. Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting b*tchin' goatees.
3. Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with
red paint.
2. The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.
1. Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar
scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.
--------------------------
Subject: UPGRADE WARNING!!!
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 2.0 to Wife 1.0 and
found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources
for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also
is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable
resources.
No mention of this particular phenomenon was included
in the product brochure or the documentation, though
other users have informed him that this is to be
expected due to the nature of the application. Not
only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is
always launched at system initialization where it can
monitor all other system activity. He's finding that
some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash
2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run,
crashing the system when selected (even though they
always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0
automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as
MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a
consequence system performance seems to diminish with
each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed
with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of
cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which
would allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater
use.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife
1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found
many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top
of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other
users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been
aware of.
Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared
use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid
bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for
Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the
application in the system.
Another annoying problem -- all versions of Girlfriend continually
popup annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING *****
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you
try to install Mistress 1.1 before
uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
delete MSMoney files before executing a
self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1
will refuse to install,claiming
insufficient system resources.
***** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *****
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different
system and never run any file transfer applications such as
Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that
have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet
provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses
which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.
-------------------------
If Operating Systems Were Airlines
DOS AIR:
Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until
it gets into the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits the ground. They
grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, jump off...
Mac AIRWAYS:
The ticket agents, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, talk the
same, and act the same. When you ask them questions about the flight they
reply that you don't want to know, and would you please return to your seat,
mind your own business and watch the movie.
WINDOWS AIRLINES:
The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants courteous, the pilots
capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet
takes off without a hitch, pushes above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet
explodes without warning.
OS/2 SKYWAYS:
The terminal is almost empty -- only a few prospective passengers mill
about. The announcer says that a flight has just departed, although no
planes appear to be on the runway. Airline personnel apologize profusely to
customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek,
powerful jets outside. They tell each passenger how great the flight will
be on these new jets, and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines,
but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to
finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid 1995, maybe longer.
FLY NT AIR:
Passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac and place them in the
outline of a plane. They sit down, flap their arms, and make swooshing
sounds as if they were flying.
UNIX EXPRESS:
Passengers bring a piece of the plane and a box of tools with them to the
airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing about what kind of plane they
want to build, The passengers split into groups and build several different
aircraft, but give them all the same name. Only some passengers reach their
destinations, but all of them believe they have arrived.
--------------------------------
Subject: Arkansas residency form and Cowboy Philosophy
ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY FORM
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
> CHOICE INSIGHTS INTO COWBOY PHILOSOPHY
>
> Generally speaking fancy titles and nightshirts are a waste of time.
>
> Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
>
> If you're ridin ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to
> make sure it's still there.
>
> A body can pretend to care, but they can't pretend to be there.
>
> A lot of good luck is undeserved but then so is a lot of bad luck.
>
> Don't squat with yer spurs on.
>
> There's a lot more to ridin a horse than just sittin in the saddle and
> lettin yer feet hang down.
>
> You can never step in the same river twice.
>
> No matter who says what, don't believe it if it don't make sense.
>
> Don't never interfere with something that ain't bothering you none.
>
> Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
>
> After weeks of beans and taters even a change to taters and beans is good.
>
> Never take to sawin on the branch that's supportin you, unless your bein
> hung from it.
>
> Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
>
> The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm.
>
> If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop diggin.
>
> If it don't seem like its worth the effort it probably ain't.
>
> It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
>
> The biggest liar you'll ever have to deal with probably watches you shave
> his face in the mirror every morning.
>
> Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
> judgement.
>
> Always drink upstream of the herd.
-----------------------
Subject: You have two cows...
I really enjoyed the Arkansas form.
There was one obvious missing point.
Under employment, there wasn't a "Wal-Mart" option.
I forwarded the quiz to a prof in our department that is a rabid Rush
Limbaugh fan. He sent back the following:
It seems that there is a social question in Arkansas. If a couple gets a
divorce, are they still cousins?
Here are a few more I got from one of our state extension specialists,
which you might like.
Food for thought. The november 1989 issue of reader's digest included an
observation by William J. McIlrath:
There were about 8000 cars in the U.S., only 10 miles of concrete
pavement, no spray cans to destroy the ozone layer. Everyone ate natural
foods. The air was relatively unpolluted, and the ground was free of
aluminum cans. There were no sugar substitutes and no artificial
coloring. We had no atomic waste or PCBs, and our average life expectancy
was 47 years. The year was 1900. Today we are doing everything wrong and
life expectancy is up to 75 years, and, if we are not careful, it could
hit 90.
YOU HAVE TWO COWS. . . .
Under SOCIALISM, you give one to your neighbor.
Under COMMUNISM, the government takes both of them and gives you the milk.
Under FASCISM, the government takes both of them and sells you milk.
Under NAZISM, the government takes both of them and shoots you.
Under CAPITALISM, you sell one of the cows and buy a bull.
BUREAUCRATS in any of the systems take both cows, shoot one of them, milk
the other, and pour the milk down the drain!
-------------------------------
Subject: You might be a redneck if...
Have you heard the latest REDNECK JOKES? I'll assume you haven't.
You know you're a redneck when you misspell something with christmas
lights!!
You know you're a redneck when you buy your wife earings that double
as fishing lures!!!
My favorite: you know you're a redneck when you stare at a can of
orange juice just because it said concentrate!!!
------------------------
> PURDUE UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM- FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
> Time Limit: 3 WKS
>
>
> 1. What language is spoken in France?
>
> 2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
> particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
> conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
>
> 3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
> (a) build a bridge
> (b) sail the ocean
> (c) lead an army or
> (d) WRITE A PLAY
>
> 4. What religion is the Pope?
> (a) Jewish
> (b) Catholic
> (c) Hindu
> (d) Polish
> (e) Agnostic (check only one)
>
> 5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
>
> 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little
> hand is on the 5?
>
> 7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
>
> 8. What are people in America's far north called?
> (a) Westerners
> (b) Southerners
> (c) Northerners
>
> 9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
>
> 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
> George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
>
> 11. Where does rain come from?
> (a) Macy's
> (b) a 7-11
> (c) Canada
> (d) the sky
>
> 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
> (a) yes
> (b) no
>
> 13. What are coat hangers used for?
>
> 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
>
> 15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
> -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
>
> 16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
>
> 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
> (a) New York
> (b) Florida
> (c) Canada
> (d) Wisconsin
>
> 18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you
> have?
>
> 19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
>
> 20. The Purdue University tradition for efficiency began when
> (approximately)?
> (a) B.C.
> (b) A.D.
> (c) still waiting
>
> *You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
>
>
>
--------------------------------
Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of The `90s
Scott Adams Windows Magazine, May 1995
I get about 100 e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip
"Dilbert." Most are from disgruntled office workers, psychopaths,
stalkers, comic-strip fans -- that sort of person. But a growing
number are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy.
Some say they've already married a Dilbert and couldn't be happier.
If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends
most of his time with his computer. He's a nice guy but not exactly
Kevin Costner. Okay, Dilbert is polite, honest, employed and
educated. And he stays home. These are good traits, but they don't
exactly explain the incredible sex appeal. So what's the attraction?
I think it's a Darwinian thing. We're attracted to the people who
have the best ability to survive and thrive. In the old days it was
important to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a
single blow to the forehead. But that skill is becoming less
important every year. Now all that matters is if you can install
your own Ethernet card without having to call tech support and
confess your inadequacies to a stranger whose best career option is
to work in tech support. It's obvious that the world has three
distinct classes of people, each with its own evolutionary destiny:
Knowledgeable computer users who will evolve into godlike
non-corporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who
work in tech support). Computer owners who try to pass as
knowledgeable but secretly use hand calculators to add totals to
their Excel spreadsheets. This group will gravitate toward jobs as
high school principals and operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually
they will become extinct. Non-computer users will grow tails, sit in
zoos and fling dung at tourists. Obviously, if you're a woman and
you're trying to decide which evolutionary track you want your
offspring to take, you don't want to put them on the luge ride to the
dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You want a
knowledgeable computer user with evolution potential. And women
prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent listeners
because they can look at you for long periods of time without saying
anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy
actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll ever have after
six months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail
sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the seventh month and
lasting forever. Marry an engineer and she gets a great listener for
the next 70 years. Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's a
good strategy to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby.
Outdoorsy men are applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by
the age of 30 they still look like dried chili peppers in pants.
Compare that with the healthy glow of a man who spends 12 hours a day
in front of a video screen. It's also well established that computer
users are better lovers. I know because I heard an actual anecdote
from someone who knew a woman who married a computer user and they
reportedly had sex many times. I realize this isn't statistically
valid, but you have to admit it's the most persuasive thing I've
written so far. If you still doubt the sexiness of male PC users,
consider their hair. They tend to have either: (1) male pattern
baldness -- a sign of elevated testosterone -- or (2) unkempt jungle
hair -- the kind you see only on people who just finished a frenzied
bout of lovemaking. If this were a trial I think we could reach a
verdict on the strong circumstantial evidence alone. I realize there
are a lot of skeptics out there. They'll delight in pointing out the
number of computer users who wear wrist braces and suggest it isn't the
repetitive use of the keyboard that causes the problem. That's okay.
Someday those skeptics will be flinging dung at tourists. Then who'll
be laughing? (Answer to rhetorical question: everybody but the tourists.)
Henry Kissinger said power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. And Bill Clinton
said that knowledge is power. Therefore, logically, according to the
U.S. government, knowledge of computers is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
You could argue with me -- I'm just a cartoonist -- but it's hard to
argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about
satisfying women. You might think this was enough to convince anyone
that men who use computers are sexy. But look at it from my point
of view: I'm getting paid by the word for this article. I'm not
done yet. In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women
was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better
to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with
jerks. Technology has replaced hot cars as the new symbol of robust
manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the
Internet no woman is going to look at them twice. It's getting
worse. Soon anyone who's not on the World Wide Web will qualify for
a government subsidy for the home-pageless. And nobody likes a man
who takes money from the government, except maybe Marilyn Monroe,
which is why the CIA killed her. And if you think that's stupid,
I've got 100 words to go. Finally, there's the issue of mood lighting.
Nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a
15-inch SVGA monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream
scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy
knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser
sitting in front of a PC in his underwear. In summary, it's not that I
think non-PC users are less attractive. It's just that I'm sure they
won't read this article.
--------------------------------------
>
>HEY YOUSE GUYS..... ---------- PLEASE IMMEDIATELY SCAN YOUR
>COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:
>
> BOBBITT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
>re-attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
>
> OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks
>to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
>
> AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
>you're getting.
>
> MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
>too much for the AT&T virus.
>
> PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse
>around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN;
>twice, if by C:
>
> POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus,"
>but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
>
> RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless
>of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you
to
>first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
>
> ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system,
>just before the whole doggone thing quits.
>
> MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to
>run.
>
> TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
>
> ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays
>resident. It'll be back.
>
> DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer,
>ewe jsut cant figyour outt watt!
>
> GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
>diagnostic software says everything is fine.
>
> NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot
>of people really mad just thinking about it.
>
> FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into
>hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but
>all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
>
> GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30
>percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5
>percent margin of error).
>
> TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
>
> ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
>
> CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen
>splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the
>screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused
>by the other side.
>
> AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in
>Singapore.
>
> FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with
>marrying its own motherboard.
>
> PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for
>money.
>
> ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self
>destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations
>across rural America.
>
> OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper
>shredder.
>
> NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
>
> SCHOOL BULLY VIRUS: Steals the Nike virus at gunpoint.
>
> SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables,
>power supply, and a set of shocks.
>
> EXTENDED WARRANTEE VIRUS: Tells you a system will never
>break down if you buy it, and then asks if you want repair coverage.
>
> JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
>
> KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of
>mercy.
>
> STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus
>has gone before.
>
> HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
>wrong, and sends you several bills totaling $4,500.
>
> GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my
>docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free
>space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the
>Congressional virus.
>
> CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform
>like a 286AT.
>
> CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and
>comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
>
>
>
> GOOD "MEDICAL" COVERAGE TO YOU!
>
>************************************** Anyone care to describe
>the following viruses?
>
>TALK SHOW HOST VIRUS:
>
>RUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS:
>
>BASEBALL PLAYERS VIRUS:
>
>BASEBALL OWNERS VIRUS:
>
>BASEBALL FANS VIRUS:
>
>BASEBALL UMPIRES VIRUS:
>
>NEWS MEDIA VIRUS:
>
>(I've got to try my hand at the Rush Limbaugh virus: Arrogantly
>proclaims itself to be the only world saving virus detector while filling
>up your disk with messages that read: the only really virulent viruses
>are liberal, feminist, tax the rich, and Clinton-esque. Take special care,
>the verbosity and intensity of this virus will actually fill your CD-ROM.)
>
--------------------------------
>Subject: Getting rid of Blind Dates
>
>Occasionally in life, it's handy to be able to get out of awkward
>social situations. In such events, it behooves you to know
>these...
>
> MORE THAN FIFTY WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES
> (and other social catastrophes)
>
>1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
> to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the
> waiter, who reaches for it.
>
>2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
> restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
>
>3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
>
>4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their
> reactions.
>
>5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
>
>6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for
> your high school yearbook.
>
>7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
>
>8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
>
>9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know
> what they are talking about.
>
>10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
> outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
>
>11. Order a bucket of lard.
>
>12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
> in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
>
>13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are
> female.
>
>14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
>
>15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
> begins talking about themselves.
>
>16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
>
>17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live
> food.
>
>18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from
> their plate than they do.
>
>19. Drool.
>
>20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and
> spray crumbs.
>
>21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed
> in front of you.
>
>22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
> waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different
> part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date
> finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so
> long in the restroom?!?"
>
>23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to
> you.
>
>24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their
> plates.
>
>25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
> bringing the subject up.
>
>26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
>
>27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
>
>28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
>
>29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the
> windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits,
> and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
>
>30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
>
>31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
>
>32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and
> pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e
> anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
>
>33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
>
>34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
>
>35. Auction your date off for silverware.
>
>36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
>
>37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings
> your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the
> waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter
> returns with another potato for you, have the first one back
> up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
>
>38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
>
>39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on
> tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words
> around.
>
>40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
>
>41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber
> language, or just nonsense).
>
>42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to
> the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one
> of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
>
>43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the
> menu. Take one bite.
>
>44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up
> and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
>
>45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking
> them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a
> lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
>
>46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
>
>47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order
> coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage
> of the free refills.
>
>48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In
> a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on
> the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
>
>49. Accuse your date of espionage.
>
>50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
>
>51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
>
>52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to
> pay the bill.
>
>53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
>
>54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
>
>55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
>
>And, finally....
>
>56. Tell them you moderate rec.humor.funny on the nets.
>--
-----------------------------------
Subject: Win Errors (joke)
> Recently the following undocumented error-codes were
> found. MicroSoft forgot to explain them in the manuals,
> so they will be spread via the internet:
>
> WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
> WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
> WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now
> in every file
> WinErr: 004 Erronious error - Nothing is wrong
> WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
> WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
> WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadeqaute money spent
> on hardware
> WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
> WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has
> happened
> WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
> WinErr: 00B Inadeqaute disk space - Free at least 50MB
> WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More RAM needed. More!
> More! More!
> WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
> WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
> WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this
> happened
> WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
> WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
> WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
> WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
> WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
> WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed.
> Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid
> anymore.
> WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
> WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall
> all your software. We are terribly sorry.
> WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error.
> Next time you will get a penalty for that.
> WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be
> inadeqaute.
> WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out
> our own code.
> WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And
> wait. And wait.
> WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
> WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors
> will be lost.
> WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a
> dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows.
> All tasks will automaticly be closed and the
> virus will be activated again.
> WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been
> installed. Please click the left mouse button
> to continue.
> WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered.
> Next error will not be displayed or recorded.
> WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want
> to play another game?
> WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting
> for the system to complete boot procedure.
> WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50.312.583 Bytes
> available
---------------------------------
Subject: Quotes "foreseeing" the future
> Following are some interesting quotes "foreseeing" technological advances
> summarized by Dwight Stone:
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best
people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out
the year." --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?" --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems
Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson,
president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a
means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a
message sent to nobody in particular?" --David Sarnoff's associates in
response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a
'C,' the idea must be feasible." --A Yale University management professor in
response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary
Cooper." --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone
With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America
likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature
was full of examples that said you can't do this." --Spencer Silver on the work
that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built
with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give
it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.'
And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we
don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P
interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and
the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems
to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket
work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your
muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept
inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by
inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're
crazy." --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill
for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." --Marechal Ferdinand
Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion
of the wise and humane surgeon". --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon,
appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
-- Bill Gates, 1981
----------------------------
Bill Gates in Heaven
--------------------
(Anonymous author)
Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When
he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.
Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were
literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to
do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks,
while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.
Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers
approached him.
"Hello," said the staffer. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be
your induction coordinator." Now give me your name, last name first."
"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his
clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on
here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter?
Where are the Pearly Gates?"
"When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred
or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no
problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. With that
large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million
people a day. So Peter had to franchise the operation. He just sits in the
corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual
inductions."
Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your
paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll
be getting a plum job assignment. Heaven is a big operation. You have to
pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had
Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it
to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your
occupational orientator. His name is Abraham."
Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction
center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.
"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure,"
explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on
paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries." Your job will be to
supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the
largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected
by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server
network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant.
Fully distributed processing. The works."
Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is
really Heaven!"
"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon.
Would you like to go see the center now?"
"You bet!"
Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data
processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger
than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting
the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was
dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly
row-by-row, half a million ....
.... Macintoshes ....
.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of
Microsoft code!
The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had
spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What
about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel???
What about Word???"
"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.
"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.
"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's
heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on
PCs running Windows, then ....
.... GO TO HELL!
-------------------------------
Subject: bumper snickers (fwd)
FYE: Put These on your Bumper
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
-----------------------
Yo Guys! Here are the latest Pentium jokes. Enjoy!
>
> While we're on the subject of Pentium bugs!
>
> In case you haven't heard, the Pentium chip has a bug in it
> that gives incorrect answers to some fairly simple division problems.
>
>
> ----- Begin Included Message -----
>
> [forwards removed]
>
> Q&A: THE PENTIUM FDIV BUG
>
> Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
>
> Q: What do you get when you cross a Pentium PC with a research grant?
> A: A mad scientist.
>
> Q: What's another name for the "Intel Inside" sticker they put on
> Pentiums?
> A: The warning label.
>
> Q: What do you call a series of FDIV instructions on a Pentium?
> A: Successive approximations.
>
> Q: Complete the following word analogy: Add is to Subtract as Multiply
> is to:
> 1) Divide
> 2) ROUND
> 3) RANDOM
> 4) On a Pentium, all of the above
> A: Number 4.
>
> Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?
> A: "Life is like a box of chocolates." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)
>
> Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
> A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got
> 585.999983605.
>
> Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754
> and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft
> designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
> A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!
>
>
> TOP TEN NEW INTEL SLOGANS FOR THE PENTIUM
> - --------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> 9.9999973251 It's a FLAW, Dammit, not a Bug
> 8.9999163362 It's Close Enough, We Say So
> 7.9999414610 Nearly 300 Correct Opcodes
> 6.9999831538 You Don't Need to Know What's Inside
> 5.9999835137 Redefining the PC -- and Mathematics As Well
> 4.9999999021 We Fixed It, Really
> 3.9998245917 Division Considered Harmful
> 2.9991523619 Why Do You Think They Call It *Floating* Point?
> 1.9999103517 We're Looking for a Few Good Flaws
> 0.9999999998 The Errata Inside
>
---------------------------------------------------
KABINDA, ZAIRE----In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the
company's ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a
member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem
yesterday to crush a nut.
Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked
it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem,
"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added
the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's
help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34
modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern
Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers
eagerly teleconferencing via computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti
snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he believed would serve well as
a "smashing" utensil.
IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to
provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our
telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global networking
solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross, IBM's director
of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian abbey or an
Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas to get you
where you want to go today."
According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most impressive
was its hard plastic casing, which early sustained several minutes of
vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put nut on rock, and I hit with
modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break. It is a good modem."
Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new,
state-of-the-art IBM workstation, completed with a PowerPC 601
microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit ethernet
networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of the
computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat anchor
out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.
"This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle
with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using
every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later,
Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's
200-page owner's manual.
IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased that
the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said company
CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing the
work closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a
global village."
Robert L. Bettinger, University of California, Davis, CA.
------------------------------------
12 Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins
1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night -- Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of
the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream
social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing
"Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his
study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and
lay an egg on the altar.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the
ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of
the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will
come forward and do so.
------------------------------
WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS?
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to
drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine
if they did . . .
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got
in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" HELPLINE: "Did you
put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" CUSTOMER: "What's an
ignition?" HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine." CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery?
Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use
my car?"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "My car
ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" HELPLINE: "Is the gas
tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?" HELPLINE: "There's a little
gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.'
Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does
that mean?" HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor,
and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the
vendor to install it for you." CUSTOMER: "What!?" I paid $12,000. for
this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I
want a car that comes with everything built in!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Your
cars suck!" HELPLINE: "What's wrong?" CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what
went wrong!" HELPLINE: "What were you doing?" CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run
faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It
worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you
expect us to do about it?" CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the
latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"
HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Hi! I
just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic
transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door
locks." HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
--------
Subject: Engineers and accountants (fwd)
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets
and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an
accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective
seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door
behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with
a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers
on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and
all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket
at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom
and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and
walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on
the door and says, Ticket, please."
------------------------------
>> Diary of an AOL User.
>>
>>July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
>>the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
>>better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
>>can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
>>
>>July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
>>modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
>>think I am?
>>
>>July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
>>wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
>>
>>July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
>>next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
>>
>>July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
>>Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
>>says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
>>he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks
>>who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications
>>software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack
>>holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
>>have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone
>>jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem
>>makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
>>
>>July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
>>this internet thing. I'm confused.
>>
>>July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
>>America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is
>>compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
>>
>>July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
>>but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
>>
>>July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
>>connected to America Online not usenet.
>>
>>July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
>>How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
>>Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
>>
>>JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
>>ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS
>>THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A
>>CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
>>THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I
>>DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
>>IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS
>>TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
>>
>>AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT
>>CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT
>>THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
>>
>>AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
>>ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!
>>HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
>>
>>AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
>>GREW THAT LARGE.
>>
>>AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE.
>>I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
>>REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
>>TIMES.
>>
>>AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE
>>PROFANITY.
>>
>>AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
>>WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
>>HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
>>
>>August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its
>>probably an extra feature that costs more money.
>>
>>August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
>>I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted
>>it to every newsgroup I could find.
>>
>>August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
>>have to work on it some more.
>>
>>August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
>>posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
>>earth. I wonder what an aol is.
>>
>>August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.
>> Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked
>>but I can't find that group.
>>
>>August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
>>where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the
>>kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house
>>he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they
>>wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I
>>don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe
>>they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
>>of the joke and they used bad words.
>>
>>August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
>>asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my
>>new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want
>>to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that
>>short story I like.
>>
>>August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
>>told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
>>
>>
-----------------------
> How things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in South
> Georgia:
>
> 1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
> 2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
> 3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty
> bag
> 4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
> 5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
> 6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
> 7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized
> drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
> 8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be
> Achy-Breaky Heart
> 9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
> 10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and Vishul
> C++"
> 11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
> 12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
> 13. Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts
> 14. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"
> 15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
> 16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
> 17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
> 18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
> 19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
> 20. Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead
> cars in your front yard
> 21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
> 22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
------------------
"Van Gogh's Relatives"
The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia ... - U. Gogh
The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white ...
- Hue Gogh
The real obnoxious brother ...
- Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ...
- Gotta Gogh
The uncle who worked at a convenience store ... - Stop N. Gogh
His dizzy aunt ...
- Verti Gogh
His domineering aunt...
- Vira Gogh
The cousin who moved to Illinois ... - Chicah Gogh
His magician uncle ...
- Wherediddy Gogh
The cousin who lived in Mexico ...
- Amee Gogh
He also had a Filipino relative ... - Grin Gogh
The nephew that drove a stage coach ... - Wells Far Gogh
The uncle who was constipated ...
- Cant Gogh
The aunt who loved ballroom dancing ... - Tan Gogh
His ornithologist uncle ...
- Flamin Gogh
His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist ... - E. Gogh
His cousin who loved tropical fruits ... - Mang Gogh
And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking ...
- Whey Too Gogh
His bouncy young nephew ...
- Poe Gogh
His Disco-loving sister ...
- Go Gogh
His Italian uncle ...
- Day Gogh
And his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van ...
- Winnie Bay Gogh
----------------------------
Twas the night before implementation and all through the house,
not a program was working, not even a browse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
with hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to wondering eyes should appear,
but a super programmer (with a six-pack of beer).
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
he turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
and he cursed and muttered and called them by name.
On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closings! On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glased over, fingers nimble and lean,
from weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye and a twitch of his head,
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key,
the system came up and worked perfectly.
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted,
the inquiries inquired, the closings completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
with nary a bomb, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
the users' last changes were even included.
And the user exclaimed with snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"
- Anonymous
-------------------------
DILBERT'S LAWS OF WORK
1. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work
nights.
2. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
3. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
4. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say
you've done and what you say you're going to do.
5. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of
the month than you did before.
6. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to
get.
7. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a
clipboard.
8. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing
worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
9. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are
never talking about themselves.
10. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use
being a fool about it.
11. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car
when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
12. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
13. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
14. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work
he/she is supposed to be doing.
16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in
the mail.
17. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are
really good, you will get out of it.
18. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by
your desk.
19. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
20. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
21. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.
22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
23. Following the rules will not get the job done.
24. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
25. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger handle this?"
26. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
27. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible
for everything that goes wrong.
--------------------------
Physics Story
A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam
for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or
some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist
in
the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more
than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the
ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase
until all hell breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes
over.
It was not revealed what grade the student got.
-----------------------------
A national Geographic photographer noticed two cannibals following an
elephant through the jungle.
Each time the elephant would drop a stool, the cannibals would quickly
consume as much of it as they could.
The photographer asked them why they were doing that, explaining that he
thought they ate people.
They replied that they do eat people. They further explained that three
days before they had eaten a lawyer and were still trying to get the taste
out of their mouths.
------------------
Three guys in a bar; a Texan, a Californian, and a Seattlite. They
drink. They get crazy. The Texan grabs a bottle of Tequila, unscrews
the top, takes a good swig, and throws the bottle into the air. He
then pulls out a .45 caliber pistol and shoots the bottle, spraying
Tequila all over everything. The other patrons at the bar shout "hey
why'd you waste that?!" The Texan says, "Hell, it's just Tequila,
where I come from, we got lotsa Tequila."
The Californian, not to be outdone, whips out a corkscrew and opens
a bottle of wine, pours a bit into a glass, swirls the glass, and
sips it, then throws the bottle in the air, and shoots it with a
little silver pistol. The patrons again express their displeasure
and astonishment at such a waste of a bottle of wine. The
Californian says, "Napa Valley, we got lots of great wine down
there."
The Seattlite borrows the corkscrew, pops the top off a bottle of
Red Hook and downs the whole bottle. he throws the empty bottle into
the air, shoots the Californian and simultaneously catches the
falling bottle. Now the people are screaming, "Why'd you do
that???!!!!" The Seattlite replies, "We got lots of Californians,
but I got to recycle this bottle."
------------------------------
>
> I work part-time as a teacher of family doctors. The program
> provides training on psychiatric disorders and emphasizes the
> importance of emotional support. The new doctors are given plenty of
> time in clinic to visit with their patients and learn about their
> challenges.
> One of our interns who has never lived in Utah and knows nothing
> about Mormons is still struggling to understand the cultural
> climate here. Last week he was interviewing a new patient and
> stumbled on what he thought was a raging psychosis.
>
> Doctor: "Well, Mrs. Olsen, we've talked about your high blood pressure
> and your medications. Are you experiencing any particular stress in your
> life?"
> Patient: "Oh, yes! It's the Sunbeams. They're driving me crazy."
> Doctor (very surprised): "The sun beams?"
> Patient: "Yes. I've never had trouble with them before, but this group
> won't sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door
> and down the hall."
> Doctor (reaching for a pen): "Have you told anyone about this?"
> Patient: "Of course. I told the president."
> Doctor: "Really! What did the president tell you?"
> Patient: "She said Sunbeams are like that. I'm just going to have
> to learn to deal with them."
> Doctor (concerned that he may be missing something): "I know people
> who are sensitive to sun beams. Do they cause you a rash or
> anything?"
> Patient (confused): "A rash? No."
> Doctor: "What's the biggest problem they're creating?"
> Patient: "It's the noise. They just won't quit talking."
> Doctor (astonished): "The sun beams are talking to you?"
> Patient: "Well, yes. But mostly they talk to each other."
> Doctor (scribbling furiously in the chart): "I see. Can anyone else hear
> them talking?"
> Patient (after a moment of stunned silence): "You're not LDS, are you?"
>
-------------------------------------
>>>
>>THE STRANDED ENGINEER
>> =======================
>> There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the
>> first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being
>> waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up
>> unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly. The man found
>>himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was
nothing
>>else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked
>> around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was
>> desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the
>>next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to
>>the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying
>>on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted
>>movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No,
>>from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most
>> gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 months. She was
>> tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an
>> almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and
>>yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards him.
>>
>> In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get
>>here"?
>> She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this
>> island when my cruise ship sank"
>>
>> "Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many
>>of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been
>>really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
>> "It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing
>>else did."
>> "Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
>> "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island,
>>replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the
>>bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus
>>tree".
>> "But, but, asked the man, what about tools and hardware, how did you do
>> that?"
>> "Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of the island
>>there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I
>> fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable
>> ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the
>> hardware. But, enough of that, she said. Where do you live?"
>>
>> At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the
>>beach.
>> "Well, let's row over to my place, she said."
>>
>> So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
>>The
>> woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to
>>her
>> place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They
>> walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite
>> bungalow painted in blue and white.
>>
>> "It's not much, she said, but I call it home. Sit down please, would
>>you like to have a drink?"
>> "No, said the man, one more coconut juice and I will puke."
>> "It won't be coconut juice, the woman replied, I have a still, how
>>about a Pina Colada?"
>>
>> Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat
>>down on her couch to talk. After a while, and they had exchanged their
>> stories, the woman asked,
>>
>> "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
>> "No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on
>>the cruise ship".
>> "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in
>>the cabinet in the bathroom."
>>
>> So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath
>> room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two
>>shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a
>> swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
>>
>> "You look great, said the woman, I think I will go up and slip into
>> something more comfortable."
>>
>> So she did. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a
>>short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned
and
>> smelling faintly of gardenia.
>>
>> "Tell me, she asked, we have both been out here for a very long time
>>with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there
>> anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need.
>> Something that it would be really nice to have right now."
>>
>> "Yes there is, the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while
>> fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an
>> Internet connection?"
>>
------------------------------
ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I love cats ... they taste like chicken
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
schools
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... ... Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tow-ers will be violated
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's as BAD as you think ... they ARE out to get you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like
the IRS.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Wink, I'll do the rest!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
students!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
happy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
i souport publik edekasion
----------------------------------------------------------------------
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can
find a rock.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
particles.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------
WINDOWS PROBLEM:
I'm wondering if anybody can help me with a problem I'm having
on my computer at work. I recently upgraded to Windows 95 from
Windows 3.1416, and I've noticed that when I'm running WordWanker
Version 2.0.90.4 (which I upgraded from 1.8.4.7) in conjunction with
FaxBuddy! Version 4.2.4.3.7857, everything works fine for about the
first 25 minutes, but then if I try to type a subordinating
conjunction followed by any form of the verb forment, the keyboard
locks up permanently and the hard drive makes a whimpering sound and
all current data is erased, including data in computers several
cubicles away. I have tried everything, including reformatting my
hard drive and exorcism. Please Help!
REPLY:
I had exactly the same problem, after a lot of trial and error
I found out that if you click on the Windows Control Panel, then on
Command Center, then on Reset Variables, then on Establish New
Parameters, then on Define Standards, Then on Modify Criteria then on
Effectuate Paradigms, then on the little icon that says Do Not Ever
Click On This Little Icon, then go down to the box that says Enter New
Value, and type in 2038, you will still have the same problem. This
is why I started using heroin.
--------------------------
Things Parents Have Learned from Their Children
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite
A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a
20 by 20 foot room
Baseballs make marks on ceilings
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's already too
late
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak - it explodes
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4
inches deep
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
Duplos will not
Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence
Super glue is forever
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know
Ditto Tarzan
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk
on water
Pool filters do not like Jello
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving
You probably do not want to know what that odor is
Always look in the oven before you turn it on
Plastic toys do not like ovens
The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
It will however make cats dizzy
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
--------------------------------------
> The Top 15 Signs Your Webmaster
> is in a Cult
>
> 15.Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com.
>
> 14.Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott's...Stoli, Mott's...
>
> 13.He brings twenty-three wives to the office Holiday Party.
>
> 12.Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days
> to the apocalypse.
>
> 11.Suddenly your travel agency's site is featuring inter-planetary
> excursions for comet watching and one-way tickets to Guyana.
>
> 10.His home page says, "Best viewed from the Mothership."
>
> 9.Your website's "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do stint
> handing out flowers at airport.
>
> 8.Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club's "Site of
> the Day."
>
> 7.She has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free.
>
> 6.Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "X-files" ends.
>
> 5.Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning to
> rescue the true believers.
>
> 4.Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one.
>
> 3.Big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles Manson.
>
> 2.He only answers to the name, "Doe-bert."
>
> and the Number 1 Sign Your Webmaster is in a Cult...
>
> 1.Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut;
> lives in a mansion; has many followe... Hey, wait a minute! That's
> Bill Gates!!
----------
> A radiologist and a physicist are sitting next to each other
> on a long flight from LA to NY. The radiologist leans over
> to the physicist and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
> The physicist just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
> and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
>
> The radiologist persists and explains that the game is real
> easy and a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if
> you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask
> me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you
> $5.". Again, the physicist politely declines and tries to get to
> sleep. The radiologist, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK,
> if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't
> know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" This catches the
> physicist's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless
> he plays, so he agrees to the game. The radiologist asks the
> first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the
> moon?" The physicist doesn't say a word, but reaches into his
> wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the
> radiologist. Now, it's the physicist's turn. He asks the
> radiologist "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes
> down on four?"
>
> The radiologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He
> takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his
> references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and
> searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he
> sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail. After about
> an hour, he wakes the physicist and hands him $50. The
> physicist politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get
> back to sleep. The radiologist, more than a little miffed,
> shakes the physicist and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"
>
> Without a word, the physicist reaches into his wallet, hands
> the radiologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
-----------------------------
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by
attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by
insightful witnesses.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the
collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?">
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?"
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the
navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood?"
--------
>YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN:
>
> 1 You kiss your girlfriend's home page.
> 2 Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
> 3 Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.
> 4 You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
> 5 You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone
> lines.
> 6 You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular
> modem and a laptop.
> 7 You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and
> your child in the overhead compartment.
> 8 All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to
> the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.
> 9 And even your night dreams are in HTML.
>10 You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
> processor.com.
>11 You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
>12 Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
> new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never
> had heart problems before.
>13 You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and
> you don't have a clue when it happened.
>14 You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new
> e-mail arrives.
>15 Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what
> she looks like.
>16 All of your friends have an @ in their names.
>17 When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all of
> them are already highlighted in purple.
>18 Your dog has its own home page.
>19 You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
> through Lycos.
>20 You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
----------------------------------------
Why I won't be Coming to Work Today
1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The
voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my
Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the
polarity of the power source of exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the
house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a
rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we
have that deadline to meet...
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder
and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to,
yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint,
but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave
me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and
give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that
my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to
arrange for helicopter transportation.
16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. (prep. for
changing to Mayan)!
17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to commute to my job until there is a commuter tax. I
insist on paying my fair share.
19. I am blind and my dog is dead.
and a late addition:
20. I've got to get all my belongings together and tie up any loose
ends before the comet leaves.
----------------------------------------
>>
>>Element: WOMEN
>>
>>Symbol: Wo
>>
>>Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less, usually more)
>>
>>Physical Properties:
>> Generally round in form.
>> Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime.
>> Melts whenever treated properly.
>> Very bitter if not used well.
>>
>>Chemical Properties:
>> Very active.
>> Highly unstable.
>> Possesses strong= affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious
>>stones.
>> Violent when= left alone.
>> Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.
>> Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
>> Ages rapidly.
>>Usage:
>> Highly ornamental.
>> An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
>> Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
>>
>>Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
>>
>>
>>Element: MAN
>>
>>Symbol: XY
>>
>>Atomic Weight: 180+/-100
>>
>>Physical Properties:
>> Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape.
>> Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
>> Difficult to find a pure sample.
>> Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as
>>easily as young fresh samples.
>>
>>Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
>> Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself.
>> Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged
>>period of time.
>> Pretty basic.
>> Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
>>
>>Usage: None really, except methane production.
>> Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
>>
>>Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and
>>begins to smell.
>>
--------------------------------
>> Five reasons computers must be female...
>>
>> 5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
>>
>> 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
>> future references.
>>
>> 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
>> incomprehensible to everyone else.
>>
>> 2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as
>> "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
>> tell you."
>>
>> 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
>> half your paycheck on accessories for it.
>>
>> In the interest of gender equality ...
>>
>> TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE
>>
>> 5. They're heavily dependent on peripheral tools and equipment.
>>
>> 4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've
>> established a network connection.
>>
>> 3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more
>> than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
>>
>> 2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded
>> in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested
>> so much in the machine that they're compelled to remain with an
>> under powered system.
>>
>> 1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you
>> have their attention.
----------------------------
> Have you seen these?
> I didn't know what "Hopelessly Mo" meant, but I caught on pretty
> quickly.
You know you're hopelessly Mo if:
*Your explanation for never having spoken to the family right
across the street is "What for? They're not even in our stake."
*Your idea of 'high class' is fresh flowers woven into the
basketball nets at cultural hall wedding receptions.
*You use your calling as a Sunday School gospel doctrine
teacher as a forum to present the "Amway Opportunity."
*The school board consults with you personally when
forecasting growth at the local elementary school.
*Waitresses automatically add a 15% gratuity when you take
your family out to dinner.
*You believe there is spiritual redemption in owning your own
wheat grinder.
*You look for the words "dishwasher Safe" when buying
packages of plastic knives and forks.
*You make your children read the Old Testament rather than
going to a movie with friends because you don't want them exposed to
sex and violence.
*You have a BYU cap in the rear window of your car even when
you are not driving to Cougar Stadium.
*You can honestly tell the full-time missionaries that you
don't know any non-Mormons.
*You see no problem in teaching a Sunday School lesson to a
group of boys who saw you punch a referee at a ward basketball game.
*You are anxiously awaiting the "Where Are They Now?" sequel
to Saturday's Warrior.
*You can't understand why anyone would pay so much money to
see Phantom of the Opera when they can see the stake roadshow for free.
*You think purchases at ZCMI count as Fast Offerings.
*You sincerely believe that family and friends enjoy watching
four hours of slides from your church mission to North Dakota.
*You find it physically impossible to continue facing forward
when you hear the overflow curtain being opened in sacrament meeting.
*You insist that your wife and children gather around the TV
with you so that you can sleep through general conference as a
family.
---------------------------
>Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take
> to change a light bulb?
>
>A: 1,331:
>
> 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail
> list that the light bulb has been changed
> 14 to share similar experiences of changing light
> bulbs and how the light bulb could have been
> changed differently.
> 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
> 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about
> changing light bulbs.
> 53 to flame the spell checkers
> 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about
> the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness
> to this mail list.
> 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
> 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and
> to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
> 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar,
> alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing
> light bulbs be stopped.
> 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we
> are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts
> **are** relevant to this mail list.
> 306 to debate which method of changing light
> bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs,
> what brand of light bulbs work best for this
> technique, and what brands are faulty.
> 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of
> different light bulbs
> 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and
> to post corrected URLs.
> 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that
> are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs
> relevant to this list.
> 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote
> them including all headers and footers, and then
> add "Me Too."
> 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing
> because they cannot handle the light bulb
> controversey.
> 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
> 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
> 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
> 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion
> was meant for, leave it here.
> 143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
---------------------------------------
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic
bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes and then rolled them
into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with
xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on
and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to
close the door to his office.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to
fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in
front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. 'Yeah, I got me a couple of
friends,' the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the
man said, 'Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.'
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was 'bad and an invalid.' The tech
explained that the computer's 'bad command' and 'invalid' responses
shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,
the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
Her response, 'I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
happens.' The 'foot pedal' turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and
sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, 'What power switch?'
12. A true story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: 'Hello, is this Tech Support?'
Tech Rep: 'Yes, it is. How may I help you?'
Caller: 'The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?'
Tech Rep: 'I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?'
Caller: 'Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.'
Tech Rep: 'Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped. It's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did
you
get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?'
Caller: 'It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has 4X on it.'
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand
it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup
holder, and snapped it off the drive!"
---------------------------------
>THIS MISDIRECTED MESSAGE WAS INADVERTENTLY DELIVERED TO MY OFFICE.
>SORRY FOR THE DELAY IN GETTING IT TO YOU. I HOPE IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Stardate 10357.22 (March 28, 1997)
>
> To All Heaven's Gate Personnel:
>
>Due to extensive tail winds caused by the comet Hale-Bopp, pickup of
>the 39 passengers has been delayed until year 3024 when we pass the earth
>again.
>
>Do not eat the pudding at this time.
>
> ***REPEAT***
>
>Do not eat the pudding at this time.
-----------------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one
thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman
replied, "A multimillionaire".
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married
the wrong man."
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the
woman gets her master's.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most
countries, son.
When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married
man looks happy - we wonder why.
-------------------------------------
> > > THE IMPORTANCE OF KNOWING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE -
> > >
> > > " The story is told of the Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of
> > > $250,000
> > > and escaped across the river.
> > > A month went by and the bandit thought he was safe.
> > > He was celebrating his good fortune at a local cantina (that's a bar,
> > > folks) when a Texas Ranger walked up and dragged him out into the
> > > dusty
> > > street.
> > > After he realized he had a communication problem, the ranger poked
> > > his
> > > head back into the bar:
> > > "Anybody here speak English?" he shouted. "I do, senior." came the
> > > reply.
> > > "Then commere." the ranger ordered.
> > > The conversation between ranger, translator and bandit started. Did
> > > he rob the bank?
> > > He did.
> > > Does he still have the $250,000?
> > > Yes again.
> > > Then the ranger pulled out his Colt .45, held the barrel of the gun
> > > to the bandits head and cocked the trigger.
> > > "Make sure he understands this next question real good." the ranger
> > > told the translator. "WHERE'S THE MONEY?"
> > > In Spanish the frightened bandit blurted out that the money
> > > was hidden in a waterproof bag at the bottom of the well in the town
> > > plaza.
> > > The translator looked up at the ranger: "He says he is not afraid to
> > > die!"
---------------------
LOST PRODUCTIVE TIME
It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been
turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous
Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). To our department, unproductive time
isn't a problem. What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly
what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a
sheet specifying a tentati