Evan's Flute Jokes
Q - How do you get 5 flutes in tune?
A - Shoot 4 of them.
Q - Why did the chicken cross the road?
A - To get away from the flute recital.
Q - What's the difference between an flute and a chainsaw?
A - You can tune the chain saw.
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at
the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your
daughter flute lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
Q - What do you call 10,000 flutes at the bottom of the ocean?
A - A good start.
Q - What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the
road and a dead flutist in the middle of the road?
A - There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q - What's the difference between a flute and a trampoline?
A - You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A flutist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd
who was tending a large herd of sheep that were grazing in the
alpine meadow. The flutist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the
shepherd: "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have
one?" The shepherd thought this was an odd request, but thought
that there was little chance that the man would guess the exact
number of sheep, so he said, "Sure." The flutist guessed "You have
287 sheep," to the shepherd's astonishment, since this was exactly
how many sheep he had. The flutist got all excited and asked, "Can I
pick out my sheep now?" and the shepherd grudgingly gave his
permission. The flutist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the
sheep over his shoulders, to carry home with him. The shepherd then
got an idea and asked, "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have
my sheep back?" The flutist was a bit surprised by this, but figured
that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his
occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed,
"You're a flutist, aren't you?" The flutist was very surprised and
asked, "How did you know?" to which the shepherd responded, "Put
the dog down and we'll talk about it."
Q - What do a SCUD missile and a flute player have in common?
A - They're both offensive and inaccurate.
Q - What's the difference between a chain saw and a flute?
A - If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a woodwind
quartet.
Q - How can you tell when the stage is level?
A - The flutists drool from both sides of their mouths.
Q - What's a chord?
A - Three flutists playing in unison.
Q - What do you call a flutist with half a brain?
A - Gifted.
Q - What is the definition of perfect pitch?
A - When you get the flute into the toilet without hitting the
sides.
Q - Four flutists drive a mini-van off of a cliff. What is the
tragedy?
A - You can easily fit eight flutists in a mini-van.
Q - What is the range of a flute?
A - Thirty feet if you kick it hard enough.
Q - What's the difference between a flute and an onion?
A - Nobody cries when you cut a flute in half.
The Pentagon was collecting the brain matter of professional musicians in
order to conduct a study of great importance - the brains of pianists,
violinists, and flutists. Cash was paid for specimens, payment as follows:
$100/lb - pianists
$1000/lb - violinists
$1,000,000 - flutists
The research assistant asked his boss, "Why are flutists' brains so
expensive"
His reply - "Do you realize how many flutists it takes to get a whole pound
of brains?!?"
Bob is throwing a party. Bob decides that to break the ice at his
party, he'll ask everyone what their IQ is, and then strike up an
appropriate conversation from there. The day of Bobs party rolls
around and when the first guest knocks on the door, bob asks the
person what their IQ is.
"200,000," replies the first guest.
"Well, that's great," says Bob, "Let's talk about etherial
astro physics." Bob and this first guest talk about the
aforementioned subject for a while. Later in the party someone else
is at the door.
"Hi my name is Bob. Welcome to my party, what's your IQ?"
The new guest responds with 250.
"Great," says Bob, "Let's talk about advanced math." Bob and
his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for a while. Much
later in the party after many more guests had been arived and
spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arives at the door.
"Hi my name's Bob. Welcome to my party, what's your IQ?"
This time the guest replies after putting some thought into
it: 5.
"Well that's great," says Bob, "What kind of flute do you
use?"
Q - What does a flutist get on an IQ test?
A - Drool.
Q - How can you tell when a flutist is really stupid?
A - When the other flutists notice.
Q - How many flutists does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Only one, but she'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that
they can't just be pushed in.
Q - What's the difference between a flute player and the rear end of a
horse?
A - I don't know.
Q- What is a gentleman?
A - Somebody who knows how to play the flute, but doesn't.
Q - What's the difference between a flutist and a pirhana?
A- The lipstick.
Q - How many flutists does it take to change a light bulb?
A - Four--one to change the bulb and three to pull the chair out from under
her.
Q - How is a flute different from a sewer rat?
A - Some people actually like sewer rats.
Q - How do you put a sparkle in a flutist's eye?
A- Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q- What do you have when a group of flutists are up to their necks in wet
concrete?
A- Not enough concrete.
Did you hear about the planeload of flutists en route to the European
Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.
Q - Why do flutists leave their instruments on the dashboards of their
cars?
A - So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
Q - What do a flute and a lawsuit have in common?
A - Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
---A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy
almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn't take his eyes
off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was "$79.95, but if
you buy it, you can't return it for any reason." The man thought this was a
bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it.
As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats
started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking.
Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him.
When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all
the live rats jumped into the river and drowned.
The man returned to the shop.
As soon as he walked in, the owner said "I told you you couldn't return the
stuffed rat!"
The man said "No! I don't want to return it! I was wondering if you had any
stuffed flutists." ---
Q - What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A - A flutist.
